Shine With Grace

You’ve waited for a whole day, and your boyfriend/wife/son/whoever has not called yet as promised.  When he/she finally called the next day, what would be your response?

(a) Hey, honey I miss you!  How’s the day?

(b) You idiot, why didn’t you call me yesterday?

(a) or (b)?

You may have chosen (b).  Many of us would have chosen (b)- when people are performing not exactly as we have expected.  We feel angry, and we express our anger and disappointment even when the person finally do something right (right from our point of view).

But, beware, this approach is not going to get what you want.

Say, if what you want is your partner/kid to call more often, be nice and welcoming when they call.  What good would your angry and negative response do to the relationship anyway?  When they don’t call, you are upset.  When they do call, you’re still upset - would there be any incentive for them to do what you want them to?

In psychology, this is called conditioning.  In experiments, psychologist will reward the dolphin a fish when it perform a perfect jump (and no fish when it doesn’t jump).  What would happen if no matter how good the dolphin perform, it gets no fish?  It has no incentive to perform well. 

This is indeed one common sense we often forget - or distracted by our own emotions.  Remember:  Never ever reward a positive action with a negative response. 

A simple approach may be reminding ourselves that the world is a big mirror - when we smile, we see a smiley face.

Related posts:

• What You Focus On, Expands
• It’s All Your Fault!
• Why Not Just Say THANK YOU?
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